Feel Your Feels

Or bad things might happen - dun dun DUN!

I recently read in Atomic Habits that our vices are triggered by wanting to feel different from our current state. 

“When you binge-eat or light up or browse social media, what you really want is not a potato chip or a cigarette or a bunch of likes. What you really want is to feel different.” - James Clear

I find this revelation fascinating, albeit a little scary.

Feeling Avoidance

I've started to become aware of the times when I feel bored or stuck at work, and instinctually (without even thinking about it) open Linkedin or pick up my phone to look at Instagram. I realize now that I’m taking that action for a specific reason - to change my state of being. And it works. I replace the negative feeling with something else. Yes, I could pick a healthier distraction or way to clear my mental roadblock, like going for a walk. However, the real reason I want to become aware of this behavior is because:

a) it's a habit I'm sometimes not aware of (and therefore lose track of time spent doing it) but more importantly . . .

b) I've created a habit of "Feeling Avoidance"

How many times have you scrolled social media (or the news) for 1 hour only to stop and immediately feel bored again? Yes, for that hour, you were entertained maybe even educated on a topic But now what? You may have simply delayed the original feeling (in this case, boredom). And if you stave off boredom by binge eating or drinking, you've only replaced boredom with a possibly less pleasant feeling: numbness, followed by regret. 

However I find the real concern is not the avoidance of boredom per se but the avoidance of other more serious feelings like anger, sadness, and hurt. (I could argue that "boredom" can be a mask for some of these more serious feelings as well, but that's a blog post for another day.)

One of the central questions in Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance is:

"What are you unwilling to feel?"

So much of our inner anguish is our avoidance of feelings, which is why this is such a great question for unlocking us.

Shed the Armor

If you find yourself taking action to avoid your current feelings, first try to notice or simply observe the action or behavior you're taking without judgment. This requires being present and mindful of what you're doing throughout your day and practicing self-compassion. (And sometimes the avoidance of feelings is automatic and mindless, which makes the noticing that much harder.)

Then become curious about what you're feeling in that present moment. What is the feeling(s) you're avoiding? Spoiler: the most common feeling you're "unwilling to feel" is hurt.

Curiosity is really the superpower for the second half of our lives because it keeps us learning, it keeps us asking questions, and it increases our self-awareness. - Brene Brown

There are important parallels between feeling avoidance and "the armor" that Brene Brown discusses in the 1-minute clip below.* "The armor" = the behaviors and ways of thinking we've developed to protect ourselves from being (or feeling) hurt.

How to Change Yourself

Not only have we developed behaviors to avoid feeling our feelings, but we've developed an armor to avoid the specific feeling of "hurt."

It is so much easier to offload pain than to feel pain. - Brene Brown

It's on us to start feeling our feelings instead of offloading them onto others, to take the time and space to meet them head-on and embrace them - preferably in the daylight, maybe in the presence of a therapist. The goal is to understand the armor that you're wearing so that hopefully one day you can take it off.

Keep your shadows in front of you; they can only take you down from behind. - Carl Jung

You might be thinking "Why in the heck would I want to do that!?"

For starters, avoiding your feelings and walking through life wearing armor might prevent you from being the best version of yourself, as mentioned in the interview clip above. It's also very difficult to change your behavior if you don't understand who you are and how you came to be that way. This will build your self-awareness and also your self-compassion. People who are kind to themselves are better at making positive behavior changes (and are generally happier and healthier.)

I want to end by saying that feeling your feelings is a luxury and it is completely reasonable that sometimes you are not in a place, mentally, physically, or emotionally where you can just sit and be with your thoughts and feelings. It takes time and energy, and it's hard work. It wasn't until I went on a sabbatical when I was 35 that I was able to process some emotions and uncover deep-rooted behaviors that have been there since childhood. But when you're ready to do the work, it's absolutely worth it.

*This interview with Brene Brown and Tim Ferriss = is my self-help Roman Empire. Something about the intensity of Brene's voice when she says "I'm not fucking around." Priceless. You can watch the full interview or listen to it here.