On The Other Side - Part 2

This is a continuation of last week's post, which discussed quitting my engineering career in July 2021 and what it felt like making several big life changes at once. The following is a summary of what I've learned from quitting and making big life changes.

1. Quitting is a valid solution. I constantly have to remind myself that sometimes quitting is the solution - you do not have to have a backup plan or next step identified. So often I hear people say some form of "I would quit, but I don't know what else to do." Sometimes you have to stop doing what's not making you happy to find what will. I quit my engineering job fully knowing I had no idea if or when I would decide to work again and what it would be. Giving myself permission to "not know" has allowed me to become curious about what other jobs or hobbies I might enjoy much more than engineering.
2. There's no shame in quitting. Quitting is sometimes one of the bravest and best things you can do for yourself. You are putting a stop to something that isn't serving you, that isn't making you happy. I know it sounds cheesy, but the most important relationship you have is with yourself. If something (or someone) is consistently leading you to feel stressed or bad about yourself, quitting it can be a form of self-care and a way to show respect for yourself. Quitting is not the same thing as giving up and you shouldn't be embarrassed to quit something. Yes, I've felt awkward at times stating that I quit my job, but the embarrassment I felt was unwarranted and never due to the reaction from the receiver of this information. (They usually wanted to know how they could do the same!)
3. Expect the unexpected. Regardless of whether the change is willed i.e. quitting a job or unwilled i.e. losing a loved one - you cannot accurately predict how that change will impact you. And there will inevitably be aspects of the change process that will surprise you because change doesn't happen in a vacuum or a laboratory. We are complex beings and life is full of unexpected twists and turns. I was so miffed when I wasn't jumping for joy immediately after quitting, which in turn, made me even more upset. Try to take more of an observer role in the change experience. You'll learn more about yourself and it will help you identify and process your emotions.
4. Feel your feelings. When someone asked me what they should do after they quit their job, I jokingly said you should book a 2-week vacation that forces you to relax and do NOTHING - the opposite of what I did. Now knowing the science, that advice doesn't sound half-bad. When you're dealing with a big life change e.g. a breakup, loss, career change, move, etc. you need to set aside time to take stock of your feelings. If you immediately schedule a whirlwind road trip or dive head first into a new job, you are delaying the processing of your emotions until a later date, sometimes at a time that's not very convenient. Your emotions are indicators of your truth - listen to them, and sit with them, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be.
5. Change is tiring. I completely underestimated how physically exhausting making several transformational life changes would be. Forget a vacation, I just wished I had scheduled two weeks to stay at home and sleep in my own bed! If I could go back and stagger my life changes, I would.
6. You may not instantaneously feel the upside of your decision. What you may feel immediately is fear, panic, and possibly regret. That's okay. Fill your day with activities that bring you joy. Allow yourself space and time to listen and feel your emotions. The upside will come and your future self will thank you for pushing through.
7. Sometimes we overestimate the upside of making a willed change. For whatever reason, I heavily blamed my job as the one reason I was unhappy. However, there were other factors in my life that I didn't realize were playing a such a big role in my unhappiness i.e. living in Houston. I now realize I lacked social connection in Houston, as many of my close friends had moved away before 2021. There was also a severe lack of outdoor activities and a lack of community (and weather) to support these outdoor activities. Only once I moved to Colorado did I realize how important it was for my happiness to feel connected to nature and also connected to my community. My job wasn't the only thing bumming me out.
8. You are resilient. We are way more adaptable to change than we think we are because we have a strong psychological immune system. It's been shown that even "bad change" e.g. being diagnosed with cancer can have positive consequences because change allows you to grow, and helps you to better understand who you are, what you're capable of, and what your full potential is. Looking back, I can't believe all the changes I've experienced in the past 3 years. But I've somehow come out of it feeling stronger and happier than ever.
9. You will change. According to this episode of the Happiness Lab, it's absolutely a misconception that our personality won't change much after age 30. And experiencing life changes can be a catalyst for your personal change. Unfortunately, we sometimes suffer from identity foreclosure i.e. we commit to an identity, thinking we're not going to change or that we can't change. And yet, we're constantly changing because the brain remains plastic throughout our lives. For me, this is great news. If I committed to my identity as an introverted engineer, I would've been lost when I quit my engineering job; I would've never learned how to DJ; I would've never accepted an offer to work in business development; I would've never become a raft guide; I probably would've never moved to a small town in Colorado where there are very few engineering jobs. I know for sure I wouldn't be nearly as happy as I am now. Big life or transformational changes will change your preferences, your biases, and you as a person. You are not the same person you were 10 years ago. And I think we can all agree that that's a good thing!
10. A growth mindset is key. Changing is inevitable and happens even without us knowing. However, we can willfully make positive changes by adopting a growth mindset i.e. we should see our brains the same way we see our muscles - if you believe you can change, you will change. A growth mindset has also helped me feel happier and more inspired by knowing I can incur positive change in myself. In the end, changing is growing.

Yes, change is hard, but we're built for it. See you on the other side :)

Resources

Santos, L., & Shankur, M. (2021, September 22). How to Handle Change [Podcast].

[Ted]. (2014, March 1). The psychology of your future self [Video]. Https://www.ted.com/.